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    Useless Items v.1.0


    This picture has nothing to do with today's post, but I like it and want to show it off

    Welcome to the debut of "Useless Items" here on this little blog o' mine. Who knows how long this will last, but I needed a topic and this is what I've come up with.

    When Sarah and I finally decided to have a baby, I experienced a wave of excitement (and fear, and nervousness, and anxiety). I tried to not let the excitement get in the way of my rationality. But let's be honest here, folks - and everyone who knows me in the real world knows this to be true - EVERYTHING gets in the way of my rationality. I immediately went to BabyCenter and read everything in the TTC section (Trying To Conceive), and found a lot of valuable information. Google was my biggest resource for knowledge. Every little thought that popped into my head was typed into the innocuous little textbox that rested oh-so-proudly on the center of the screen. Every phrase I tried brought up nothing less than 10,000 results. I discovered that some of the conventional wisdoms relating to pregnancy and conception are nothing more than myth. Having the woman stand on her head immediately after sex does NOT increase the likelihood having a boy. Are you as shocked as I was?

    When Sarah got pregnant (yay me), I kicked it into overdrive. I bought books, borrowed books, watched videos, and moved onto the "expecting" area on BabyCenter. One of the things I came across was a list of things you need when baby comes home. I love lists! They are concise and to the point. None of the filler fluff to filter through. Babies R' Us, here I come!

    The checklist was called "Baby Essentials". I've been doing the fatherhood gig for four months now, which pretty much makes me an expert, and I'm thinking that it should have been called the "Things You Probably Don't Need, But Since You're A New Parent, That Makes You A Sucker And You'll Buy Everything We Tell You To. Our Advertisers Are Going To Make Their Quarterly Profit Goals Because Of You" list. Everything you could ever need (according to the list-maker) was on the list. And this finally brings us to the useless item for today:

    Baby Monitors

    Our baby monitor has flashing lights on it, essentially making it about $30 more expensive than regular baby monitors, and about $30 less than the ones that have video cameras on them. But they are ALL useless!

    The mother of the new baby is the only baby monitor you need. Two things happen when a woman becomes a mom. First, she develops supersonic hearing and can hear changes in the baby's heart rate from 75 feet away. This may be a slight exaggeration, but I'm trying to make a point here. The downside is that she can and WILL hear EVERYTHING the dad says as well, even when he's mumbling under his breath about having to clean up the living room. Or take out the garbage. Or put his dirty socks in the hamper. Secondly, they develop some type of psychic bond with the baby. I can't tell you how many times Sarah has walked into the room, holding her boobs, and said, "Tyler's awake; my milk just let down." Within 2 minutes, the first of the 6 lights on the monitor lit up. As Tyler's cries got louder more of the lights would illuminate. Moms are masters of voodoo.

    If that's not enough to dissuade you from unnecessarily purchasing a baby monitor, let me share another nugget with you. Babies are loud. You WILL hear him or her yell when naptime is over. The notable exception would be if you're a super over-protective parent and have the baby sleeping in a bomb shelter. Still, if that were the case, the radio frequencies wouldn't be able to penetrate the steel-backed concrete walls, so the monitor would be useless anyway.

    Let's say, after all this, that you're still too stubborn to realize that I'm right, and are hellbent on making this unnecessary purchase anyway. Just go to Walmart and buy a set of kid's Walkie Talkies for $15. Take one of them and wrap tape around it so that the button is permanently depressed. That one will be the transmitter and will be placed next to the baby. The other one will be the receiver and will stay with you.

    If baby ever grabs the radio and says, "Breaker breaker, one niner. Babycakes comin' atcha live from the bedtime jailhouse. Lookin' for the dad o' dads. What's yer twenty, good buddy? Over.", that's your signal that baby is too old for a baby monitor.

    This is just one man's opinion, but I'm pretty much the smartest guy I know, so you should listen to me.

    6 comments:

    Seriously Mama said...

    You kind sir... You are such a dad now! ;-) We have an entire basement full of useless crap that we never used for our babies. I am not trying to pawn them off o some unsuspecting new parent via Craigsist. Know anyone who needs a wipes warmer?

    A Free Man said...

    First of all, great photo of Tyler.

    Second, you are dead right about the baby monitors. Such a scam. Zach threw his in the bath the other day, so maybe we'll try the walkie talkies!

    hollystar said...

    haha! we didnt use our baby monitor until our tyler was almost 2...

    there is a very long list of things that we bought. or things i had to re-buy because i didnt like the way the 1st one functioned. i.e.strollers. ugh.

    Sarah said...

    Allow me to comment on your comments, husband-of-mine. Although I tend to agree that for the most part monitors are useless. I feel the need to explain their one redeeming quality (at least according to me... which in my opinion, is important!). The monitor allows me to hear the fleeting and oh so quiet moments of Tyler's awakeness before he hits screaming. These very brief moments are essential for night time feedings, as if I catch the quiet moment it's easier to put Tyler back to bed. If he reaches 6-light SCREAMING status, then nursing is much more difficult and it takes a lot longer for him to fall back asleep. So, what I'm trying to say is: the baby monitor gives me an extra 20-30 minutes of precious sleep.

    Joanna said...

    I agree with Sarah.

    We didn't buy a monitor until oh... couple of months ago, I suppose. We cosleep, so I only use ours when he is sleeping and I'm downstairs usually packing my lunch, my pump bag and his diaperbag for the next day. That or coding games. Ok, usually it's the second, but I like to try to convince Tim that it's the first.

    Erin & The Boys said...

    Hilarious! I might share that entry with my current Bradley class... what do you think? They would crack up! You should write a book for expecting/first time parents. Seriously.

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