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    A Breastshield
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    Something happened a few weeks ago, and I promised myself that I would blog about it.

    Tyler is a breastfed baby, 100%. How a breastfed baby can weigh 19 pounds three days before he's 3 months old is beyond me. If Mike and Heather want some of Tyler's baby fat for their 10 and a half month old Maddie, I'll send it via first class mail. Also beyond my comprehension is how Sarah can still have excess milk while breastfeeding a 19 pound baby. Don't get me wrong, Sarah has always been *ahem* blessed in the bosom. Ever since her milk came in, her hoot hoots have become ginormous. Still, I've no idea how she can feed the chunky monkey and still need to say, "I need to pump."

    To do the deed, she uses a Medela Pump in Style Advanced breastpump. It's a pretty cool pump. It does it's job, and Sarah seems pleased with it. Two thumbs up as far as I'm concerned. It basically consists of a pump, a carrying bag, a tube, and a breastshield. Check out the picture to see what a breastshield is, as it's the subject of this post. I will also be referring to it simply as "shield" for the rest of this post. If you have ANY imagination whatsoever, you can easily see where it goes.

    Well... a while back, Sarah and I, along with Tyler, went to spend a long weekend with Mel and Adam, and their son, Ben, at their lake cottage. You can read about that here. I didn't mention this particular story then, because I really believed it deserved its own post.

    On one particular morning while we were there, Sarah needed to pump. When she was done, she put the shield next to the kitchen sink. Me, Sarah, and Melanie were all sitting at the dining room table. I couldn't tell you with absolute certainty what we were doing though. I'm sure we were either playing Yahtzee or eating food. Adam is walking around munching on chicken wings (at 9am) or something.

    Adam is one of the funniest guys I know. He can find funny in just about anything, to hell with levels of appropriateness. He is a rabid Buckeye fan, and a Republican though. With those two strikes already against him, he's really got no other choice than to be funny. In my eyes, the two worst qualities you can have are to be a Republican and a fan of a team whose mascot is a poisonous NUT, so you better damn well have a redeeming quality. The day I stop laughing at your jokes, Adam, is the day that my strictly-non-gay man-crush on you is OVER!! GO BLUE!!!

    Anyway, Adam walks out of the kitchen, holding the shield. With a quizzical look on his face, he asks, "What is this thing?"

    That was when he found funny. He didn't wait for Sarah to say, "That's the thing I put on my hoot hoot when I need to pump breast milk for my baby." He didn't wait for Melanie to say, "Adam, put that down, you jackass."

    Nope... Adam found funny. So, instead of waiting for a response, he continued.

    "It looks like something you'd take a shot out of."

    He then acts as if he's taking a shot of whiskey. He holds the shield over his head, cranes his neck back and opens his mouth. He didn't bring the shield down to his mouth or anything, because that would be gross. He just held it about 8 inches above his mouth... BUT....

    drip.... drip.....

    Right into his mouth. It was a bullseye shot directly into his gullet.

    It was at that exact moment that Sarah informed him of the purpose of the item he had in his hands. Adam's face contorted slowly from a look of "did that just happen?" to one that was a mixture of revulsion, terror, embarrassment, and utter disgust. It is beyond me how he was able to keep from getting a second showing of his breakfast, because he looked darn close to bringing it all back up. It was kinda like that scene in Van Wilder when the frat boys find out that their doughnuts aren't filled with custard.



    "Mmmmmm.... I think I've had these before"

    Sarah - evil girl that she is (but that's why I love her) - waits until all this has happened before saying, "I washed it out already. It's clean." I'm sure that didn't do much to alleviate Adam's disgust though. Think about it... if it were you, would you feel better? I wouldn't. For as long as we all live, Adam will be the guy that got some of my wife's breastmilk residue in his mouth. She could have washed it out with bleach using an industrial sized power-washer, but he'd still be that guy.

    8 comments:

    A Free Man said...

    A Republican AND a Buckeye. Jeez, who are you keeping company with?!

    I've got some pretty sketchy friends as well...

    LiteralDan said...

    We've still got those same pump trumpets kicking around here somewhere. When we had to switch to formula, they made handy powder funnels for those bleary-eyed wee hours.

    Never had the pleasure of tasting a few drops, though... that's gotta be an awkward lifetime bond, huh? But great for jokes-- I would never let it die. He'll never be able to drink milk in peace again.

    Did he offer a review? If not, you guys should continually press him to write one up, like a wine taster.

    Seriously Mama said...

    Ahh yes. Virgin breastpump experience-ers. I have many of those stories from the last 3 years. Great blog. Funny stuff and your son is a chunky bunch of adorable!

    anymommy said...

    My very first visit and you're trashing the Buckeyes. Lay off the poisonous nut, I love that wacky nut. I lived on that campus for five long years. A rivalry is born.

    Hilarious story though. I may be married to Adam, except his name is Matt.

    Sarah said...

    the image of Adam's face that morning will forever be burned into my memory. HILARIOUS!!!

    BTW: I love the "man crush" line.

    Joe said...

    AFM: The things we tolerate for friendship, eh?

    LD: OH... this will never be lived down. NEVAR!

    S.Mama: Thanks! He's the cutest lil stinker I've ever laid eyes on. I SWEAR!

    AnyMommy: Say it ain't so... ANOTHER Buckeyes fan? How many of you are there? Can't you get your own country, like Australia, or something? ;)

    Sarah: Smooches!

    Mike said...

    Dude, Heather and I will totally take some of your little guy's extra lbs.!

    But I'll pass on drinking the breast milk...I'll leave that to Adam!

    Joanna said...

    WWE recently banned the drinking of breastmilk for the professional wrestlers. WWE Superstar Triple H is married to Stephanie McMahon (boss' daughter), and she has had 2 children now - he drank the milk.

    Pumping is certainly an experience. That would've been a great expression to see.

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