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    Farmer Brown is a drunken A-hole

    *sigh* Ya know, things can escalate and get out of hand pretty quickly in the Gearhart household.

    Everything you are about to read is completely true, and really did happen last night.

    This is the Brown Farm

    This is the Brown farm. It is run by Farmer Brown. I was catching up on a couple blogs last night (I've been slacking, I know), while Sarah and Tyler were on the floor, playing with the Brown farm and Farmer Brown (Sarah and Tyler chose that name earlier). They were having a good time when Sarah says to me, "feel free to join us down here."

    If any of us had any idea what would happen as a result of that statement, she would have opted, instead, to say nothing! I'm sure of this.

    So I get down on the floor and start moving the animals around. One of the first things I notice is that the chicken is HUGE! It's the same size as the horse!

    "What kind of farm are you running here?" I asked Farmer Brown.

    Say "HI" to Farmer Brown

    This is Farmer Brown. As I was "walking" him across his farm, he got stuck on the velcro that holds the animals in place. In a high-pitched Farmer Brown voice, I said, "Help me. Help Meeeeeeeeeeee.", and I shook him back and forth.

    In a throwback to Knight Rider, I added, "Kitt, I need help."

    Sarah manned the tractor and backed it up to Farmer Brown, presumably, to hook a tow line to him and pull him out. I completely misunderstood the intention, because there is something wrong with my head.

    I asked Sarah, "What exactly are you making that tractor do to Farmer Brown, sicko?"

    Traumatized, Farmer Brown walked to the back of the farm and said, "I need a drink".

    At this point, Sarah and I were cracking up. Tyler was lying on the floor between us, but he was no longer a part of this. Sarah and I were playing with tiny, stuffed toys, and it was a riot.

    Farmer Brown had a few too many

    Then, Farmer Brown came back. He stumbled back towards the farm, speaking jibberish. In my best Farmer Brown voice, I said, "Ooom uuuhlll flubber fack uuuuhhhh chicken dagnab mutant blargh."

    With my almighty hand, I guided Farmer Brown towards the chicken.

    Farmer Brown sneaks up on a chicken

    I snuck Farmer Brown up behind the chicken. At this point, there were no longer any streams of thought in my head. Things were happening wholly on their own.

    Farmer Brown crowed, "Damn chicken!"

    "Damn Chicken!"

    Farmer Brown threw his leg forward and launched the chicken into the air.

    The chicken flies

    There was no arc to its flight path. The chicken launched and soared like a missle.

    In his drunken stupor, Farmer Brown failed to make himself aware of his surroundings, or where the chicken's tragectory may take it.


    Following the law named for Edward Murphy, the chicken popped Sarah directly in her eye.

    Farmer Brown, along with the hand controlling him, were scared. Naturally, he hightailed it out of there.

    Farmer Brown hightails it

    Farmer Brown is not a fast runner.

    Farmer Brown finds an escape

    Knowing that he wouldn't stand a chance against Sarah on foot, he hopped onto his tractor.


    Luckily for him, the tractor fired right up. I displayed my horrible ability to make sound effects with my mouth. Making my best impression of a tractor, I growled, "RRRRRRRRrrrrRRRuuuuuUUUUuuumMMMmmmMMMMM." He dropped it into gear, and nailed the throttle. The front wheels left the ground. The rear tires broke traction...

    and this is where things went HORRIBLY wrong...

    Joe goes too far

    Trying my best to emulate the sound of tires screeching, I put my voice up a few octaves to a "shrill" level and bellowed, "ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

    Guided by my hand, the tractor - along with Farmer Brown - tore off into the distance and to safety.

    Very quietly, Sarah says, "Uh oh."

    I look back to her and see that she is looking at Tyler, quite apprehensively...

    Tyler reacts
    (Sorry, I don't have any recent pics of Tyler screaming)

    Turns out, my screeching tire impression scared the jeepers out of Tyler, causing him to begin screaming his head off. It took a long time... a LONG TIME to calm him back down. We're talking about 45 minutes. He was over-tired anyway (didn't nap at all yesterday), so I'm sure that added to it.

    Needless to say, Brown Farm playtime was over. We put Tyler to bed soon after that. I looked at Sarah and said "We need to reenact this, so I can get some pictures."

    We had a lot of fun with the reenactment. We constantly found ourselves stifling laughter, for fear of waking Tyler up.


    Sarah said...

    *in my best sing songy voice* Farmer in the Hell, Farmer in our Hell, High ho the scare-eee-o,
    Farmer in our Hell

    I can confirm that this story is very much true. What Joe does not realize, is that Tyler was doing his pouty face much earlier than the screeching tires. It actually started with the drunken slurring and the chicken kicking (a la that video game I can't currently think of... Fable perhaps?!). But those events happened with enough time between them for Tyler to recover.

    Poor Tyler, he just didn't see this coming. Not only did his mom and dad have more fun than he whilst playing with his toys, but they also started excluding him from said play time. How rude of us!

    I also (slightly) felt bad for Joe, as Tyler screamed every time he saw Joe's face for the rest of the night.

    Who's blog is this again????? (sorry)

    hollystar said...

    chicken effer.

    mel said...

    in an effort to tell the truth, (and to hopefully comfort my friend jose at the same time), i must say that i am glad that farmer brown-eye ONLY kicked the chicken! from the reenactment photos, it appears that it could possibly be love, and let me just say that witnessing this would surely be something that poor baby tyler would NEVER recover from!

    Natalie said...

    that was freakin' hilarious! i vote for more fun with farmer brown! i'm sure he has opinions on all kinds of other things. bring it on, farmer brown!

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